What the hell is going on in Pittsburgh? I mean, I know the Pirates have made some questionable decisions over the years. Like trading away every good player they’ve ever had. But this latest move might take the cake for pure stupidity.

So let me get this straight. The Pirates decided it would be a brilliant idea to have Kavan Markwood throw out the ceremonial first pitch this past weekend. You know, the 20-year-old kid who fell 21 feet off the Clemente Wall back in April and nearly died. The same kid who was underage drinking at the game. Drinks provided by his buddy who got charged for furnishing alcohol to a minor.

And the Pirates’ response to this whole shitshow? Let’s celebrate him! Let’s give him a jersey and have him throw out the first pitch! Let’s turn this disaster into a feel-good story!

Are you kidding me? This is the same organization that can’t figure out how to win more than 70 games a year, and now they’re out here rewarding illegal behavior that almost killed someone. What kind of message does this send? “Hey kids, get wasted at our stadium, fall off a wall, and maybe you’ll get to be a hero!”

Listen, I’m not trying to pile on Markwood here. The kid went through hell. He broke his back, shattered ribs, and spent months learning how to walk again. That’s horrific, and nobody wanted to see him get hurt. But there’s a massive difference between showing compassion for someone’s recovery and rolling out the red carpet for the choices that led to the accident.

Pennsylvania State Police literally filed charges in connection with this incident. We’re not talking about some freak accident where a bolt came loose or the wall collapsed. This was illegal underage drinking that directly contributed to a near-fatal fall. The state took it seriously enough to press criminal charges, but the Pirates thought it deserved a celebration.

What the fuck are they thinking over there?

You know what this looks like to parents trying to teach their kids about consequences? It looks like the Pirates saying, “Actually, if you break the law and put yourself in mortal danger, you might just get honored on the field a few months later.”

The optics are absolutely bananas. You’re essentially celebrating a massive safety failure at your own facility while simultaneously sending the message that dangerous, illegal behavior gets rewarded if the consequences are dramatic enough.

And let’s talk about the legal liability here. By honoring Markwood, they’re basically downplaying their own responsibility to maintain a safe environment. They’re making it seem like what happened was just an unfortunate accident instead of the predictable result of illegal alcohol consumption by a minor.

The Pirates could have handled this with some actual class. Reach out privately, help with medical expenses, maybe arrange a quiet meet-and-greet with players when he’s ready. But no, they had to turn it into a publicity stunt because this organization has the PR instincts of a drunk college freshman.

This is the same franchise that’s been asking families to spend their hard-earned money to bring kids to games, promising that PNC Park is a safe, family-friendly environment. Then they turn around and celebrate someone whose story is exactly the kind of behavior parents hope their children never engage in.

It’s particularly galling coming from Bob Nutting’s organization. This is the same owner who won’t spend money on players because he claims he can’t afford it, but apparently they can afford to turn a safety incident into a marketing campaign.

What’s next? Are they going to have a “Drunk Driving Survivor Night” for fans who crash in the parking lot? Maybe an “Arrested for Fighting” appreciation ceremony?

The truly maddening part is that someone in that organization thought this was genius. Some marketing executive probably pitched this in a meeting: “Think of the positive press! Think of the human interest story!” And everyone around the table nodded along instead of asking the obvious question: “Are we really sure we want to celebrate this?”

This decision reflects everything wrong with this organization. They can’t build a winning team, they can’t keep their best players, and apparently they can’t tell the difference between appropriate compassion and tone-deaf pandering.

You want to know why Pittsburgh can’t have nice things? This is why. This is why our sports teams make decisions that leave you scratching your head wondering if there are any adults in charge.

The worst part? The Pirates probably think they nailed it. They probably patted themselves on the back for their “community spirit” while completely missing the fact that they just rewarded behavior that could have been fatal.

Markwood deserves support for his recovery. He deserves compassion for what he went through. But he doesn’t deserve to be celebrated for the choices that led to his fall. And the Pirates organization should be ashamed of themselves for turning a preventable tragedy into a feel-good photo op.

Some mistakes can’t be fixed with good intentions and schmaltzy ceremonies. This is one of them. The Pirates got this completely wrong, and it’s just another example of why this franchise remains the laughingstock of professional sports.

Classic Pirates, though. Always finding new ways to make you question whether they have any idea what the hell they’re doing.